Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Well I just put wine in my tea
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
