Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
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