Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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