I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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