I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
