Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
