Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
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