Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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