I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
