To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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