That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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