i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
pray to the hookup gods
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
