I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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