2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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