I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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