So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
