Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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