Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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