I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
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I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
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I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.