I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
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so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
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No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.