i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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