I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
