When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
