It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
