what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
