I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
