So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we made out on top of his cat.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
