Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
