Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
