Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
