Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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