Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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