Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
