Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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