What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
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My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
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Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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