I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
did i walk over a car last night?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
