I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
