TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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