the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
