The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
