I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
