My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
