the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
