So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
