My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
