did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
