Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
