Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
