Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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