There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
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Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
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I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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