god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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