aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
