I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
