i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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