my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
