Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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