Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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