I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
