im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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