My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
