I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
