I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
