i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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