I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
