I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
