No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
